'It ends with Us'

Don’t be married to chaos because you carry the same last name. Generational trauma runs deep within the family. Some we recognize through loud expressions like single motherhood, drug addiction others don’t speak as loud. I stood in a place I vowed I would not stand; not because I didn’t know trauma but because I hoped others had started to see how it dressed lately.

There I was confident in a decision I knew was best for my now and my next and yet the silence and no eye contact of the family members I walked away from said differently. 

This is the moment when many go back. The quiet awkward stare in between what we know will likely be the last encounter. Some parts of me looked for praise. 

I almost shamed myself for wanting to praise myself for such a brave move….. No trauma in my bloodline says ‘deal with this silently; head up; level up; upgrade is the best revenge’. (exhale)

Trauma has a sneaky way of finding itself in the midst of yesterday, today and tomorrow I see. I - stood-  in-  my spot, brave head comfortable level honoring my emotions, caught in between what felt like two worlds. A world that said no one owes you anything and the other that says shame on the person that started the behavior enabling the family generational trauma line that found me.

Loyalty is taught through empowering messages of “this is my kin, my family, my son” we hold true to the oath of bloodline. Oath that leads to a continuation of death. Death where many are visibly dying in front of us unhappy, unsatisfied, remaining in marriages, having kids to appease the culture, tolerating chaos and abuse for the oath; and the rest of us. The oath tells us, that is always going to be your family, stand by them no matter what. 

There I was standing with my head at a comfortable level and two young men and a younger teenager and my son stood. Three chose to carry a generation of trauma as they stood in silence, not celebrating a decision that honored choice, self love, self respect, accountability to their loved one. My son we walked breaking any chain connected and what my son witnessed is the opportunity of rebuilding, empowering, disallowing, holding accountable, following through, and honest emotions a pattern I didn’t grow up in myself.

You see our family too was married to chaos because it carried the same name. That’s how I found myself in the pattern of silent permission and imaginary hope. The loyalty of the message somehow has carried more with weight than the possibility of what could become. 

As I walked down the hallway empty handed physically, emotionally, and mentally lighter

No revenge relationship needed. No pretend moments of holding my head up high. I had much better to offer, what was to become. 

‘You see, trauma has a funny way of showing itself. It can lock up your creativity, your ability, and your sensitivity to self. ‘

(exhale, exhale, exhale breathe in and out all that was, and let out the things held from the lies of whomever started the message… what I will become outside of that situation is worth more than being married to the chaotic name, the loyal bloodline, the message… I think I will write a new message for all to hear

I give myself permission to say, it ends with us.. We can divorce your name too and say the grass is greener on the other side….