This is my love story I would be lying if I said it's the exact story that I once imagined as a small girl glistening in the air, desiring and wishing for. You know those random stars that you wait on,
"Oh I wish upon a star...
I can just see myself now, a little girl in bed hands in prayer posture and praying that I become this magical princess ironically with blond hair. You see the issue with that is everything around me said you're too this or too dark, your lips are too full, your nose is too wide, and at times I could not decipher between was I in the the Little Red Riding Hood story or my own reality. Oh what big eyes you have, what big smile you have little black child. Only I made up that part.
I can't remember the day I discovered I was black. Before I had a chance to take a look I was met with mirrors that did not belong to me
So, I guess all I have is the idea of what "they" say. I hated them, they, those, you you, "they" were a reflector of how I felt only my little heart and mind had yet to understand. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son." Here I am again God, "Dear God, could you make me like Amanda? She has hair that is straight and seems to comb easily and well my hair doesn't look like anyone's I have ever seen so can you just do me a favor and make my hair like Amanda's? Amen.
No, I don't remember the day I fell in love with Hip Hop. I can't even remember the day I felt love for something let alone me. Me, have you ever really sat with me? Me a moment in time that reflects a state of being without others.
Dear God, Who is Me? Amen
Well turns out God doesn't answer that prayer. I guess it's just me who has to now do the work. There is that word again "love." I will just table that for now, again, ignore it we don't need it anyway. I am on a mission to find me, love can wait or I haven't figured out if it was necessary to have it anyway.
I got a relaxer today. Silky long black hair flowing side to side when I walk. I was smiling ear to ear that day I walked into Fultondale Elementary School and sat in the 5th grade line. "Give that horseback their hair," a boy yelled. "That ain't yo hair." My full lips and big brown eyes quickly sat hidden as I held back tears I silently prayed, God It would be really easy if you could just tell me who is me.
Me, unliked, unknown, unsure.....
Did you know whether you understand or not me keep growing and going on? The me that I grew to know had learned to pray about important stuff like healing others, making it to the nearest gas station on E and not worrying God about well you know me. I had learned to keep the attention off of my hair and full lips but somehow somewhere between the half of my exhale and feeling a little good about me I was met with a new identity of "thick." What the hell now?
Now, a moment I never liked so I rarely stayed there
The idea of being here was a no-no. I spent more time away from now and me until it became such a norm. I don't know what or who I am. I can't be black with long silky hair. I think having brown eyes with a complexion my tone was not normal and oh full lips and smiling "too much" topping it with thick thighs on the track team surely got me even more confused about me. "I love you," I- love- you- too I said with the most awkward look on my face. I felt a lot of things but wasn't sure if it was the love that me was searching for.
Me, a person who is okay with everything
Me had learned to just go with it, it was easier well easier than waiting on God to answer. My boyfriend who loved me made us matching necklaces to wear at track meets. That was super cute for a few minutes. The other minutes I hid my necklace when around others because I guess wearing glasses, being really smart, and athletic wasn't okay. I didn't have time to figure that one out. I was still confused about me and love and it was getting worse. I lost a part of my body to the name of love. Yes, that's right, I lost a part of me to love. Love changed sometimes it was boys who said I was cute and other times it was the award I received for my A. Yet still I felt a lot of things but wasn't sure if it was love.
I am a mother now, they say this motherly instinct kicks in and you just immediately love this small child. Love, how do you do that? It is morally wrong to do any of the things love did to me to my son.
Love, when you make sure others are good
Now here I am a mom and every one of the "They's who are everywhere says I have to love myself first. First, this is a joke, right? Loving myself first was impossible because I had met and given out Love and got it I guess already. Besides I don't want it. Me will be just fine.
Me, a moment of time that reflects a state of being without others
Dear God, It's me again. I don't usually ask for things for myself but could you help me to see me through your eyes?
That year I looked in my own mirror and saw her beautiful full lips, long eyelashes, dark black curly hair, freckles, a perfect body. I saw love
Love, its not outside of you
Signed
Love
Comments